Healthy Vs Toxic Relationship Signs; Conditional Love

Question- I have been in a relationship for three years. We have seen each other grow from zero in career and personal life. Initially our relationship was very good. But for some time now, the partner has started counting everything – who does how much, who compromises more, who gives more efforts. Love is now turning into comparison. This is making me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I don’t want any calculations in the relationship. Is it right to turn love into a scorecard like this? What should I do?

Expert: Dr. Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Noida

answer- The problem you are describing is that many relationships get entangled at this point. After some time, love slowly starts turning into calculation. You told that in three years of relationship, you have seen each other grow from zero. This is a big thing. There is usually a lot of emotional investment in relationships and when the investment is high, the hurt feels deeper.

The way you ask questions makes it seem like you are a sensible person who is trying to save the relationship, but doesn’t want to hurt yourself. This is a good thing. Let us slowly understand what is happening in your relationship and what you should do in such a situation.

There is only one relationship in the world in which nothing is given without any expectation, that is parenting. Parents give love, nurture, security and happiness to the child without any conditions. But this does not happen in a relationship between two adults.

There is neither a giver nor a receiver in a relationship. There is a partnership in this, where both give and receive love and support to each other. If your partner is counting everything, then perhaps he is forgetting the point of mutual sharing.

Is it wrong to keep score in a relationship?

Many people think that once the matter of settlement has come, it means love is over, but it is not so at all. There are two types of accounts – healthy and toxic. From your question it seems that you are worried about toxicity. Let us understand both.

What is a healthy account?

Healthy accounting does not mean noting in the diary – “I swept for 4 days, you swept for 3 days or I spent this much this month, you did less.”

Healthy accounting is very basic. Like- are the household chores, expenses, responsibilities divided broadly or not? This calculation is to save the relationship, not to humiliate anyone. This keeps the relationship balanced, like bill sharing between friends.

What is toxic calculation?

Toxic calculation starts when every matter starts being counted, old records get exposed in every debate. In the debate it should be said that “I made more efforts, you made less efforts.”

On the issue of compromise, it should be said, “Who has compromised more than me?” If so then it is not love, it is mistrust. This slowly ruins the relationship because it creates an uncomfortable feeling. If this continues for a few days then people start trying to run away from the relationship.

What are the signs of mistrust in a relationship?

Mistrust in a relationship means not trusting each other. Due to this, things start changing in the accounts. According to psychology, when a person does not feel secure in a relationship, he starts comparing and controlling everything to protect himself.

In such a situation, the person wants that the efforts of both should be equal. That’s why the need for reassurance is felt again and again. This situation is related to inner insecurity, fear of rejection and lack of self-confidence. If this continues for a long time, the closeness of the relationship begins to diminish and the relationship begins to feel like competition instead of companionship.

Is calculation necessary in a relationship?

Yes, it is necessary in some conditions. For example, if only one person is running the entire house, if only one person is bearing the burden of emotions. If the other person is just demanding and is not making any effort himself, then it is not wrong to calculate here.

Calculation is important here, because one person continuously taking 4 steps forward and the other standing at zero weakens the relationship in the long run. But there is an important thing in your question – he has started counting everything. This line says a lot. This just doesn’t seem like a responsibility. This is a comparison. This is comparison. This is emotional pressure and it is not healthy for the relationship.

ask yourself questions

Here you have to ask yourself honestly some questions-

Many times it happens that the efforts of one partner are visible, and those of the other are only felt. Many times emotions do not get value, then counting starts. If you have been together for three years, then perhaps your efforts are emotional, like listening and supporting your partner, which are not visible. But they are important.

How to talk?

The most important thing in this situation is communication. There is no need to fight about this. You have to express your views calmly like-

Instead of accusing, just share your feelings. Like- “When you say that I compromised too much, I feel sad.” Talking in this way can improve relationships.

After the conversation, check three things to see if he tries to understand what you are saying? Does he think about his behavior? Is he ready for change? If yes then the relationship can be managed. Both of you can take counseling together. If not, that’s a red flag.

Finally the most important thing

Equality is important in a relationship, not accounting. Giving and taking goes on. Sometimes you take four steps, sometimes he takes four steps. But if one is always walking four steps and the other is at zero – then that relationship cannot last and if someone is making you feel small in the name of equality then that is not love, it is control.

Love is not a competition. This is not a management excel sheet. If the relationship makes you feel safe and respected – then that relationship is in the right direction. If you start feeling inferior, guilty, or tired while being in a relationship, it’s okay to raise questions. You yourself are wise. With the help of all these things, you can assess your relationship and take a right decision yourself.

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Now understand that in the initial days of a relationship, emotions are more dominant and people ignore the behavior of their partner. This is called ‘honeymoon phase’. Read further…