Mental Health Relationship Issue; Dr Jaya Sukul Clinical Psychologist Advice

Generally, when people hear the word trauma, they think that trauma means some major incident, such as pain caused by accident, violence or assault. For example, there is a trauma center in a hospital, where patients with serious injuries come. But the definition of trauma in psychology is much broader than this.

Trauma is not just a ‘bad experience’. Absence of essential and basic things is also trauma.

Consider it like it is a tree. It needs sunlight, water, air and good soil to stay healthy. Even if no one bites or breaks it, if it does not get all these essential things, it will become weak. This is the trauma of the tree. Similarly, the child needs love, security, kindness, protection and unconditional support. Even if you don’t get all this, it is still trauma. Even if there was no assault on him. Looked at this way, every person has some trauma in his life, because none of us grows up in a perfect environment.

Your husband is aware of this

Your husband is aware of this. This means that they are probably learning about trauma by reading books. It is also possible that he may have once taken therapy for this, which may have helped him. This is a good thing, but the problem is that they apply it to every small thing. You are saying that he labels even your normal anger or sadness as trauma. This makes you feel that they are ignoring your feelings.

Is your husband ‘judging’?

If your husband starts calling your feelings ‘trauma’ while talking, then some caution is necessary. Knowledge of psychology is a good thing, but if he is just imposing it on you and considering himself ‘knowledgeable’, then it is not good for the relationship. When is this conversation healthy and when is it a red flag, understand it graphically-

If these red flags match your life, they can affect the relationship. However, the good thing is that all this can be fixed. If your husband is intelligent, he can listen.

understand their background

To understand the reason for someone’s particular behavior, it is important to understand his background. It is possible that your husband may have faced some trauma himself or may have healed himself by reading books. They might think that by sharing this knowledge they are helping you.

Everyone’s healing journey is different

Here your husband should understand that everyone’s healing journey is personal. If another person tells someone that you have ‘trauma’ it can seem like a power game. Someone may get hurt. It is better to recognize and accept your own trauma, then move forward with your own healing.

talk to your husband

The most important thing is to talk openly, but not in anger, but calmly. Instead of blaming your husband, explain your feelings to him. You can say something like this-

“I know you’ve learned a lot from psychology and want to help me. But when you label everything I’m going through as ‘trauma’, I feel like my feelings don’t matter. I need you to just try to understand me.”

increase your understanding also

Read some things about this, be a little active yourself. If you want, you can read some good psychology books yourself, like ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ or ‘The Psychology of Trauma.’

This will help you understand what is going on in their mind. Maybe your resentment will reduce because now you will be able to understand their language. Will be able to talk to them in the same language. Remember to do all this at your own pace and at your own pace. Not under anyone’s pressure.

What to do when talks do not yield a solution?

If their behavior does not change even after repeated explanations, do not worry too much, seek expert help.

Take help from experts- Both of you can take ‘couple therapy’. A professional therapist can teach both of you how to achieve better coordination.

Feeling is important, not name- In love, it is important to understand each other’s feelings, not to put any ‘stamp’ or label on them. Sometimes when you’re feeling down, just a hug from them and someone saying ‘I’m here’ is more healing than any heavy psychological words.

Prioritize your peace of mind

It is natural to feel worried in such an environment. Take care of your health-

Change routine- Go for a walk every day, get good sleep and meet friends.

Take space- If you are feeling very irritated, calm yourself down by sleeping in a different room for a night.

Be patient- Don’t be in a hurry to break the relationship. Your husband is not a bad person, he just needs to learn balance in the relationship. You are handling your life well in a city like Delhi, you are strong. This bad time will also pass.

finally understand this

In love, being with your partner is more important than improving his/her behavior. In the end, just remember that love does not mean ‘fixing’ each other’s shortcomings, but ‘moving forward’ with each other. Your feelings are not wrong. Gather courage and speak openly. You are not alone. Many women go through this phase and their wisdom makes the relationship stronger.

……………… Read this news also Relationship Advice- Partner keeps screenshots of chats: Brings up old issues in fights, then shows proof, is this a red flag?

Your question is not about just one habit of your partner. This question is about emotional safety and trust, which is the foundation of any relationship. Therefore, first of all it is important to understand that what you are feeling is neither a small matter nor are you over-sensitive. Read further…