Is Personal Space Demand a Crime? Expert Relationship Advice for Mother Wife

Question- I have been married for 4 years. Has a 2 year old child. For the past few days, a strange feeling of isolation has been developing within me. It seems as if I have not done anything for myself in the last few years. Now I like being alone more.

When I share this with my husband, he thinks that I want to go away from him. They are not able to understand me. I am afraid that our chemistry might get spoiled. Is it wrong to ask for space in a relationship? What should I do?

Expert: Dr. Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Noida

answer- I would like to start my answer with a film. There is a Georgian film, “My Happy Family.” In this, a married woman with a full family wants personal space just like you. Staying alone a little, spending a little time with myself, talking to myself a little.

Imagine, women from India to Georgia want to do this. But very few have the courage to express their feelings by writing questions like you. Your question itself shows that you are a serious person. You want to embark on a journey of knowing and understanding yourself. There is nothing wrong in this.

problems of indian society

The problem is that our society has linked thinking about oneself with selfishness. It is even more difficult for women. If a woman says that she likes to be alone or needs some space, then questions are immediately raised on her. Is the relationship not good? Has love diminished in marriage? Do you want to go away from your husband?

Whereas the truth is that asking for time for yourself, understanding yourself, living with yourself, all these are efforts made not to break the relationship, but to save it.

Marriage does not mean death of ‘self’

The basic definition of marriage is wrong in our society and culture. We think that getting married means that a woman no longer has any privacy. Her identity is that she is a wife, mother and daughter-in-law. But she is not a human being who can desire freedom and agency.

Marriage and especially the responsibility of small children is a very demanding job. Generally women do not get the help they need. Due to these and many similar reasons, differences often arise in marriage.

It is important to know yourself

Every person has his own existence in this world. Existence here means “Who am I, what do I like, what makes me happy.” It is important to know this because every relationship in the world comes only after this. Be it the relationship of husband-wife, parent-child or mother-child.

If a person is not happy from within, is not satisfied, then he cannot share happiness even in relationships.

Why feel guilty in asking for space?

You should not feel hesitant or guilty while asking for space for yourself. This is not a demand for loneliness, it is a desire for space for oneself. Asking for space in a relationship does not mean that you want to go away from your husband. This means that you want to get closer to yourself. It is very important to understand this difference.

In personal space, a person learns to process his emotions better. He learns to recognize happiness and sadness and deal with them. Learns to deal with negativity and anxiety. This has a positive effect on all his relationships. See the benefits of personal space in the graphic-

Speak with compassion and responsibility

It is very possible that when you share this with your husband, he will feel that you want to go away from him. This may be their misunderstanding, but their own feelings are also legitimate.

Therefore, discussions in such matters should be done very thoughtfully. Such things should not be done emotionally, but should be done with wisdom and a little diplomacy. Diplomacy is not about cleverness, but about correct language.

Ask these questions to your husband

When he answers these questions, he will gradually understand that just as he has the right to recharge in his own way, you too have the right. This is not a comparison, but an important example.

don’t forget the real problem

While talking, do not forget what the real problem is. Try to make them understand that if you do not control yourself, it may affect the relationship in the future. Tell us that this is what you are afraid of.

It is also important to understand here that when you ask for space, the person in front may become uncomfortable. Some people understand it, while some people take it on their ego.

It is also possible that your husband may start giving you silent treatment, may reduce talking to you, and may start distancing himself from intimacy. They start making you feel as if they don’t need you.

be mentally prepared

Such reactions of the husband may be due to his own insecurities. They may fear that they will have no control over you. Therefore, it is important that you are mentally prepared that everything will not be smooth in the beginning. However, this does not mean that you are wrong.

Here you have to be logical and not emotional. If they tell you that if you do this, everything will go wrong in the house, then you can ask, how will it go wrong?

provide solutions to their questions

The solution to emotional problems is not crying, but a concrete and action-oriented plan. You can plan something that will take better care of the child. Like you can hire a nanny for him or call the child’s grandparents home.

If they say, “This decision of yours will affect the care of the child,” you can say, “When I am happy, the child will also feel more secure.”

your fear is justified

You feel that the chemistry between you and your husband may deteriorate. But you also have to understand that if you yourself remain troubled, tired or feel suffocated from within, it will have negative effects. Its impact will not only be on this relationship, but on every aspect of your life. Therefore, it is most important that you first understand your relationship with yourself, give it time and make it strong….

Space for yourself is necessary

Now let’s talk about what personal space means. Space doesn’t mean leaving home. It starts with small things. Like drinking coffee alone in the morning, reading a book, going for a walk or starting a hobby. Even while living with the child, you can take out time for yourself. When the baby sleeps, you can do yoga or listen to music. Ask your husband for help, let him take care of the child sometime, you go out for a walk.

take care of yourself in the meantime

It is very important to take care of yourself while going through such difficulties. You may feel tired in this phase. So create a self-care routine. Eat healthy food, get enough sleep, talk to friends. If necessary, consult a counselor.

every experience teaches something

Every experience in life teaches something or the other. You will learn from this separation that you should never forget yourself amidst all the responsibilities. By searching yourself, you will learn that asking for space in a relationship is not wrong, it is necessary. You are not wrong. You are trying to identify yourself. This is a very beautiful thing in itself.

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The way you ask questions makes it seem like you are a sensible person who is trying to save the relationship, but doesn’t want to hurt yourself. This is a good thing. Let us slowly understand what is happening in your relationship and what you should do in such a situation. Read further…