Toxic Relationship Signs; Girlfriend Boyfriend Trust Issue – Chats Screenshots

Question- I am doing graduation from Delhi University. I have been in a relationship for a year. My boyfriend keeps records of everything I do, keeps screenshots of chats. When, what did I say, how did I say, everything.

Then whenever there is a fight between us, he starts taking out old chats and showing them. When he showed the screenshot of the chat for the first time, I was very shocked. Is this behavior normal, is it a lack of trust or am I being overly sensitive? I don’t understand anything, what should I do?

Expert: Dr. Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Noida

answer- First of all, thank you that you expressed your feelings so well in words. It is not easy to have such a deep understanding of a relationship and ask these questions in college life. Most girls keep blaming themselves in such matters, but you asked the question, which means you are alert. This is a big thing in itself.

Your question is not about just one habit of your partner. This question is about emotional safety and trust, which is the foundation of any relationship. Therefore, first of all it is important to understand that what you are feeling is neither a small matter nor are you over-sensitive. Your feelings are completely valid. If proof is sought on every issue in a relationship, mistrust can arise. Let’s take this problem step-by-step and see what you can do.

Keeping records of everything is not healthy

If a partner keeps screenshots of conversations and shows them during fights, this is not a healthy pattern. Records are important in the courtroom because there the judge needs evidence to decide truth and lie. But it should be understood that relationship is not a courtroom. Therefore, it does not require evidence, but understanding, trust and emotions. This kind of behavior can be toxic. See all its signs in the graphic-

What effect does record keeping have on the partner?

In such a relationship, these three emotions often dominate the person.

This could be a sign of a toxic relationship, if you feel that-

In such cases, girls often start feeling inferior. They feel as if everything is a test, where if they fail, old papers are taken out and shown. This not only increases anger, but can also take away the happiness of the relationship. See all its psychological effects in graphic-

Is it just a trust issue?

Often people directly call such a situation a trust issue, whereas it is much deeper than that. There could be some trauma, past relationship or upbringing behind such behavior of the partner.

Such people often start documenting everything to keep themselves safe. This could be their defense mechanism. See all the possible reasons behind such partner’s behavior in the graphic –

What should you do?

Even if the partner’s past life experiences are behind such habits, it does not mean that you should tolerate such behavior. It is human to understand someone’s insecurities, but it is not wise to lose your mental peace at the cost of that same insecurity.

You are studying in Delhi University, studies, friends, career are also important in your life. The relationship should be such that it supports you and not becomes a burden.

Partner needs counseling

If a person feels the need to keep records of everything even while being in a relationship, it is a sign that emotions like fear and distrust are deeply seated inside him. For this he needs professional help and counselling.

Support during counseling, but as a friend

Here you have to understand one important thing that you can support your partner. You can say that you understand his problem. You can encourage him to seek counseling. But support does not mean at all that you will continue to suffer while staying in the relationship. If you want support then it can be done by becoming a friend. Ruining your own life by becoming a partner is not called support.

It is necessary to set boundaries

You have to clearly say that bringing up old chats in a fight makes you uncomfortable. This approach does not make you feel safe and you will not tolerate this pattern in the relationship. Keeping boundaries does not mean ending the relationship. This means that you are deciding your safety.

What to do if the pattern does not change?

If your partner repeatedly ignores your feelings, calls you over-sensitive, tries to silence you with evidence every time, then you have to ask yourself an honest question – Do I feel mentally safe in this relationship? For a relationship to be strong and permanent, it is important that a person does not feel inferior. Both should be equal to each other.

How to recognize red flags?

If the partner is unwilling to change, this is a red flag. It is time to re-evaluate the relationship. See the complete list of red flags in the graphic-

Trust is important in a relationship

Relationships are based on trust, not documentation. Where records of everything have to be kept, people are not able to speak openly. You are justified in feeling uncomfortable. Your feelings are valid. Most importantly, putting yourself in trouble trying to fix someone is not love.

……………… Read this news also Relationship Advice- I am trapped in the responsibilities of marriage and children: I need personal space, but my husband does not understand, am I wrong?

Women from India to Georgia want to do this. But very few have the courage to express their feelings by writing questions like you. Your question itself shows that you are a serious person. You want to embark on a journey of knowing and understanding yourself. There is nothing wrong in this. Read further…