The soul finds eternal peace in Kailash Parikrama, Deepa Anappara, an Indian-origin writer living in Britain

Deepa Anappara, an Indian-origin writer living in Britain. – file photo

‘After living together for 19 years, I was suddenly put on ‘probation’ in my own house. She started teaching at the university and used to wake up at 3 in the night to write novels on Tibet, so that the sound of the keyboard would not disturb her husband. Still his resentment did not go away…’ Deepa Anappara, an Indian-origin writer living in Britain, says, the husband said that he wants a divorce, having lost his sister only seven months ago. I was not ready for any new wounds. Despite many efforts the relationship could not be saved. In search of peace she set out on the Kailash Parikrama. This journey gave new meaning to life, know how…

‘Amidst this breakdown… a few days later, I was standing at the top of the 18,471 feet high Dolma Pass in Tibet. There was so much sting in the air that every breath seemed borrowed. That same day in August 2023 was my 20th wedding anniversary. The husband’s words kept echoing in my ears… ‘You too have been unhappy for years, I too have been unhappy for years, it is better to separate.’

Suddenly the guide’s voice startled me… He smiled and said, hire a pony to reach Dolma Pass. ‘Indians are not good at trekking,’ this stereotype stung me. Years ago, I completed the journey in Manali sitting on a pony. This time I had decided that I would go on foot. The climb was difficult. The lungs were burning, the heart felt like a bird fluttering in a cage. Had to stop after every five steps. Tibetan women passing by with small children on their backs would smile and say ‘Tashi Delek’ – meaning good luck. I would also say it, but along with the words my breath would also go out.

Pilgrims were pasting photographs of their deceased loved ones on stones along the way. I regretted that I did not have a photograph of my sister. She used to collect small idols of Lord Ganesha. Gauri Kund was shining below, it is believed that it was here that Mother Parvati gave birth to Ganapati. The porter had offered to bring holy water for me from there, but I refused because I would not have given it to anyone, my sister had already left. I was staggering due to lack of oxygen at the altitude. The guide handed me an oxygen can and said ‘Almost there.’ I gathered courage and started climbing again.

In between, the guide listened to my story. Sister has stage 4 cancer, tumor spreading from lungs to brain, loss of memory and suffering in the last days. Kept struggling for four years. For that, sudden flights to India, trips to hospitals. Then lost courage… finally took leave with tears. I admitted for the first time that I am now ‘separated’, the marriage has ended.

The guide said, ‘Your husband has fulfilled his purpose. Let them go. Be thankful that they were together for 20 years. He is free, and so are you. Amidst the flags of vows, for the first time I felt that perhaps I too am truly free. His words were firm, but also gentle – as if he was carefully placing another stone on a pile of stones. On the last day I walked mostly alone. There were Tibetan prayers carved into the stones and warning signs along the way.

Small birds would fly out of the holes in the rocks and disappear. At such a height, in such a divine environment, I felt that for the first time after six years I was truly happy. I realized that despite my shortcomings, I am not disgusting, I am just human. I could forgive myself—as a wife, as a sister. Seeing the pilgrims raising their hands towards the sky and praying for everyone, I felt that atonement is not impossible….

Mountains clear our vision…

Deepa says, ‘Storms, military posts and breath-taking cold at high altitude all become obstacles in this journey to Kailash, but the real test is not of these natural obstacles but of the inner emotions – ego, passion, doubt, strength, guilt and grief. In that thin air, where even breathing was like penance, I understood – sometimes the mountains do not give us anything new, they just make clear what was already there… and perhaps that is the beginning of liberation.

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