Wife Holi Celebration Vs Husband; Suppress Desires – Silent Stress

Question- Holi is my most favorite festival. In childhood, we used to wait for Holi with utmost joy and enthusiasm. The entire family and locality used to gather and play Holi. I have very beautiful memories of Holi in my heart. But ever since I got married, playing Holi has stopped completely. My husband is a very conservative person. He doesn’t like me playing Holi at all.

No one in my in-laws’ house is excited about Holi. I really feel like playing Holi, but because of my husband, I resist. What should I do? Should I fight with my husband or sit in despair?

Expert: Dr. Jaya Sukul, Clinical Psychologist, Noida

answer- First of all, thank you, because reading your question brought back beautiful memories of my childhood Holi. Now your point. Your problem is not limited to just one festival, it is also a matter of your ‘right to happiness’.

For many people, Holi is about memories, relationships and a feeling of living freely. The most beautiful thing in your question is your connection with that happiness, that laughter of childhood, that familiarity drenched in colors and the opportunity to live without any hesitation. This is the reason why today when all that is not available, there is a feeling of emptiness inside.

First of all I would like to tell you that your feelings are completely justified. You are not just missing playing Holi, but you are missing the environment in which you were able to live freely. Let us understand how to handle this situation without a fight.

Suppressing desires creates ‘silent stress’

After marriage, women often suppress their desires in the name of ‘adjustment’. Initially this seems like a small compromise, but in the long run this pressure takes the form of frustration, sadness and sometimes anger within.

When you repeatedly suppress your mind and say things like, “Come on, let’s not play this time, your husband doesn’t like it,” then gradually you start moving away from yourself. In the language of psychology, this is called ‘self-suppression’, which can become the main cause of mental stress. What are its effects, see in the graphic-

You are missing ‘the feeling of living freely’

You might be feeling that this frustration is due to not being able to play ‘colors’ in Holi, but in reality you are missing not the colors, it is the ‘feeling of freedom’. When you used to play Holi with your loved ones, it was an environment in which there was no judgement. Everyone laughed, hugged and remained carefree.

It is very important to understand this real thing, because the solution will also emerge from here. When you know what your real need is, the ways to fulfill it will also become clear.

It is not wrong to have a different environment with your in-laws.

If no one in your in-laws plays Holi, it may be that such an atmosphere never existed in their house. Every family has a different way of ‘celebration’. For some families, festivals are all about good food and relaxation.

We have to understand that your husband or in-laws are not ‘bad’. Just their perspective is different. There may be some valid reasons behind them.

The problem can be solved by going to mother’s house

You have indicated the solution in your question itself that Holi is played with the same pomp and show in your parents’ house even today. This is the simplest balanced path.

How to talk to husband?

Fighting or sitting in despair, both are extreme decisions. You have to find a middle path. Do not tell your husband, “You are wrong,” but say, “Holi is so important to me.”

Say something like this, “I know you have a problem with colors and I respect that. But Holi is the most beloved part of my childhood. When I don’t play, I feel very sad. Should I go to mom’s house for two days and play Holi this time? This will keep your peace and my happiness as well.”

don’t let yourself get lost

After marriage, women often start losing their identity gradually. They forget that they too had some likes. Remember, a happy relationship is one where both partners give space to their personal happiness.

Your happiness, your choices, your small desires are as important as your relationship. If you are not happy from within, you will not be able to play the role of a good wife or daughter-in-law for long.

There is no quarrel, solution is found through understanding.

The solution to your problem is not in fighting, but in understanding. Don’t suppress your desires, instead find a new way to live them. Holi is a festival of colours, but more than that it is a festival of ‘colours of the heart’. Don’t let these colors disappear from your life.

This time on Holi, make a plan to visit your maternal home or make your husband a part of your feelings with love. Believe me, when you take responsibility for your own happiness, the smile on your face will be the most beautiful answer to all your questions.

3 lessons for a healthy relationship

This Holi will again bring the same childhood glow in your life.

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